Mortal Kombat!

Hi,

Thanks to my sister Jenny, you are likely already aware that Merilee had our twins the week before last. Here's the whole story, unabridged, as I remember it. If you want to just look at the pictures, that's fine too.

Our OB had us doing NST's (non-stress tests) twice a week since 34 weeks. We did them at French hospital since the doctor's office doesn't have a monitor for twins, and Sierra Vista (the other hospital in town) is out of network. This sounds like a boring detail, but it will become more important later on. Note that French is like 7 minutes from our house, and Sierra Vista is like 2 minutes. So really it didn't matter to us that much.

Since nurses have to work on the 4th anyways, we had an NST scheduled for noon that Tuesday. At each one they would hook Mer up to three monitors - Two to monitor the babies and one to track contractions. It was kind of a lot strapped around her sensitive belly, making it hard to get comfortable. We already had experiences with fetal monitoring from the multiple previous hospital trips thanks to Merilee’s consistent bouts of early contractions. Thankfully Bruce and Cordelia's heart rates were always stable and the contractions eventually calmed down.

Wired

Knowing we might be there for a while (an NST should really only take 20-30 minutes but they had kept us for five hours at our first one since Mer started contracting), we ate lunch before heading over. Soon after getting hooked up to the monitors, she started going into labor with stronger contractions than she had felt before, the kind you really have to breathe through. There were a couple frustrating things about it (besides just Mer being in pain)

1. The nurse wouldn't let her re-position herself. I understand that because Mer was pre-term with twins that they had certain protocols to stick to, but she was incredibly uncomfortable and I think that wasn't helping her uterine irritability. We had always just let Mer do what she felt was best at home and contractions always eventually stopped. Later, when she was lying down on her side on an ambulance stretcher without any of those belts around her to hold monitors she started feeling a lot better.
2. Even with painful contractions, labor wasn't progressing. Although we weren't hoping she'd deliver that day, the fact that her pain was doing nothing (she only dilated to a 1.5) was obnoxious.
3. In the classes they told us (besides saying that you can move around during labor which is a lie if you're pre-term with twins) about 511. You're supposed to go to the hospital when your contractions are 5 minutes apart and 1 minute long for one hour. Mer sometimes got like a 10-20 minute break, but for the most part the contractions were fairly constant. We got two beautiful babies out of this but sometimes I feel like we can't get any breaks. 511 my B-U-M.

At French, they tried giving her IV fluids and some oral medication that was supposed to relax her uterus and stop the contractions. It didn't work. After about five fun hours, the nurse told us that Merilee would be transferred to Sierra Vista via ambulance. Hoping to save ourselves an ambulance bill, we asked if I could drive her over. They wouldn't let me, so they brought in the ambulance crew to transport her while I drove separately

We got there around 6:30 pm I think. We were supposed to go to a BBQ that night and I arranged to pick up a plate after the on-call doctor had been by to talk with us. It took forever - 3 hours - and I was starving but I knew that the doctor would show up as soon as I left.

When we arrived, they continued IV fluids and added magnesium sulfate to try and stop the labor. They also gave her some leggings to prevent clotting while she laid in bed. They then gave her the steroid shot that helps babies' lungs progress rapidly. It's most effective 48 hours after the first shot, so the plan was to try and hold off labor until Thursday evening. 

My corner of the room in labor
and delivery

Monitor for the babies' heart
rates and contractions. Mer
loved being hooked up to this
and the IV for hours and hours.

Fancy calf attire not available
in stores

Assuming she was still pregnant, Merilee was slated to go off of the MgSO4 and either deliver or go home. They also did an ultrasound to check and see how the babies were positioned. As usual, the girl was head down and the boy was breach. Additionally, it appeared that neither had descended any farther than the other. Without either dropping, it was impossible to tell if our goal of a vaginal birth was still possible (if the first one coming out is breach, they have to do a C-section).

Hours later, the doctor came and we had a chat. After that, I left to grab my 4th of July BBQ dinner from our friends and then got some things from our apartment. As much nesting as I had done, I still hadn't packed our hospital bag. We did have a list of what to take, however, so that was good.

Fancy hospital table and a
nightstand

Catching a break, time to make
more  progress in this book.

One benefit of labor not
progressing - you're not having
surgery in 12 hours so you can eat!

When I got back to the hospital, they had already taken Merilee off of the MgSO4 since it hadn't done anything to slow her contractions down. I think the goal at that point was to keep monitoring and see how her labor progressed the next day. I got the bed set up and prepared to get some rest since it was getting to be pretty late. Merilee got some benadryl to help her sleep through the pain. It didn't have any effect and neither of us really slept. She kept having painful contractions and I tried to help her with her breathing. I felt pretty useless since it was the only thing I could do.

As the hours went by, Merilee hadn't dilated any more despite the contractions staying strong. She had brief periods of relief, maybe for about 20 minutes or so, but it was a pretty bad night. The next morning, a different doctor was on duty and was making her rounds. I thought it was pretty rude of her, but she was telling us all about how we should have a C-section. We had a birth plan and had discussed our intentions with our OB and the plan was to do a vaginal delivery if it were possible. She didn't really ask us about any of that and just told us that we should do a C-section before disappearing.

Waiting for the Zofran to kick in
while the Fentanyl wears off - a
vicious cycle

Throughout that day, they kept checking to see if Merilee dilated, and offering her pain medication. Unfortunately, Merilee gets nausea from pain medication so the entire day she was either throwing up or having painful contractions. During this whole time she hadn't dilated any more. On the bright side, I felt slightly more useful when she first started getting nauseous and I had to frantically find something for her to vomit in. If I had been a second later, the nurse would have been cleaning processed hospital food from off the floor.

Though they had been giving Merilee lots of IV fluids, she hadn't been peeing that much. She was starting to retain a lot of water in her legs and feet, and her lab results were showing signs of pre-eclampsia. Her blood pressure was normal, though. Due to the complications and the positioning of the babes, agreeing to a C-section around 12:30PM the next day (Thursday) seemed like the safest thing to do.

That night was more of the same thing: painful contractions followed by nausea-inducing medication. Every hour or so, Merilee would stand up to get some contraction relief, by going to the bathroom. She would unhook the three belly monitors, unplug the leg braces, and unplug the IV machine from the wall. She had to take all the wiring and IV machine with her and then replug everything back in when she finished. They also tried giving Merilee ambien to make sure she got some sleep before the twins came. Nope, didn't work at all.

I should mention that this whole time we had been in contact with only a select few people. Texting/calling around wasn't a huge priority for me at the time (sorry, not sorry). I let my work know that I needed to start my family leave, and we were fortunate to have two people be points of contact for people locally and for our families/facebook. That way we didn't have tons of people calling us while we were dealing with stuff in the hospital.

After another very rough night, they decided to switch our scheduled time with another C-section that was scheduled for 7:30 in the morning. We certainly didn't have any complaints. It's not like we were sleeping in. Eventually it was time to suit up. They carted Merilee off and put me in a waiting room. I swear I was there for way too long. Obviously my mind was going through a lot, but it really felt like I was in there for at least 20, perhaps 30, minutes. Before my mind had been racing for too long, however, they finally came and got me.

Last pregnancy photo at almost 36
weeks. Great job hanging in there,
Merilee! Only hours of pregnancy
left. You have done so great and I
just love you.

She won't be pregnant in the next
picture

***I recommend skipping these two paragraphs***

Clenching the pole as she tries not
to throw up during surgery.

It was then that I discovered how brutal you can be when delivering children. Seriously though, the C-section was as fascinating as it was horrifying to watch. I just remember the doctor ripping Merilee open violently. They used these large metal tools to yank her body apart, then thrust not just their hands but their arms down inside like when you drop the remote between the couch and the wall and you're trying to pick it up.

Bruce came out first but his head got stuck, so the OB played a game of tug-a-war with Mer's uterus. I was sure he was dead. Why else would you handle a baby like that? Cordelia came head first, but Mer's uterus was still having some issues letting go, so they were about to use a vacuum but it slipped and bumped into someone's non-sterile headgear and she came out all by herself before they could get a new one. They were so purple. I was not expecting that. Oh I should also mention that Merilee had been throwing up most of the time this was happening. I guess whatever the anesthesiologist gave her made her nauseous. Surprise!





And then suddenly, we had two babies. While they were putting Merilee back together I was watching the two teams as they worked with Bruce and Cordelia. Cordelia was squirming around, but Bruce wasn't moving. I remember thinking how sweet Cordelia's first cries were. She was breathing. Eventually they got Bruce to complain too, and I felt relieved. They wrapped the girl up and let me hold her. I'd like to tell you that I instantly felt a rush of fatherly love for this 10 minute old baby, but I honestly just think I was in a bit of shock.

Bruce getting some help breathing

I got to cut Cordelia's cord. It was so gristly.

Hey! Check out this thing that was
inside of you, kicking your ribs
for 8 months.

I had been up for two days straight and just watched my wife get cut open. Between the swaddling blanket and beanie was a face I'd never seen before. I showed her to Merilee but couldn't lay her down since Mer was still getting stitched up. Eventually they brought Bruce over to show to us. He had his CPAP on and was going straight up to the NICU. Eventually they transferred Merilee to her hospital bed from the table and started wheeling her over to recovery.

There's been some disagreement as to where Cordelia was as we were moved from the operating room. Since Mer was on drugs, we'll go with my story that Cordelia was on the bed with Merilee. They wouldn't let anyone hold babies in the hallways. Plus, it was too long a trip to risk dropping a baby. She didn't have a crib until we left recovery. At least I'm pretty sure.

More on drugs: did you know how many drugs they will give you in the hospital? So many drugs. It's like they don't hold back at all. I was so glad that Mer finally had professionals handling her drugs instead of me because I was in no state to keep track of anything. The first few days she was still pretty loopy. I don't know how much she realized it, or maybe it was more from the sleep deprivation but she was noticeably not all there and had even lost her voice.

Anyways, we spent some time in recovery. The nurses helped apply pressure to Merilee's uterus to help it contract and took Cordelia's vitals. I didn't know where my breakfast had gone so I stepped out to find some food and came back with a sandwich. Meanwhile we got a surprise call from the infertility clinic. I figured that they must have had an alarm that went off each time one of their former patients gave birth. Turns out they were just checking in and seeing how we were doing, and didn't actually know that we were in the hospital.

Bruce in his BYU football helmet

During this time, I also made a trip up to see Bruce. At the NICU you call a number from the phone outside the door, then while someone comes to let you in, you wash and then sanitize your hands. I came over to where he was and a couple of the nurses re-introduced themselves. It turns out that they were in the OR during Mer's C-section but with masks it's hard to recognize people.




I met with the NICU doctor who explained several things to me about what was going on. First, he assured me that Bruce would be fine, and with time would catch up to the point that he would be indistinguishable from a child that was born at full term. He also explained that much of what needed to happen wasn't teachable, rather that it was pre-programming. It turns out development-wise that boys are usually behind girls about a week, and twins usually lag behind singletons about a week as well. The CPAP was applying pressure to his lungs so he could breathe, but he wouldn't be on it for long and he'd likely be back with us soon. He just needed time.

I really don't understand why, maybe because I was still in shock, or maybe it was the sleep deprivation, but I could feel a lump in my throat whenever I was in the NICU. Even thinking about it now I still get that a little. Knowing that Bruce would be fine, it was still hard to see him there strapped to the monitors and plugged in with his IV, CPAP, and other things. They still needed to get him settled in and hooked into his IV and such so I went back down to Merilee and Cordelia.

I remember when he was just
minutes old in the NICU he
kept squirming around and
opening and closing his
mouth. The NICU nurse said
he was just "exploring the
world."

I took a lot of pictures when
he was like this because it was
so hard to capture what he
was like due to all of the
equipment he had on.

I wanted to make sure I could
remember what he looked
like after I left.

We spent a little more time in recovery before going to our room in Mother-Baby. Apparently we had the best room. It was definitely much better than the room we had in labor and delivery. They used to not let you have your own space, rather you shared it with another family. Now they have sofa-beds where the second hospital bed used to be so you get the whole room to yourselves. It was pretty nice.

It was there that I got to get better acquainted with Cordelia. All wrapped up in her swaddling blanket, she would open her eyes a lot to cast shady glances at the corners of the room. She was so tiny, inspiring nicknames such as "My Little Burrito" and "Little Peanut." The first time I wanted to take a picture of her on my lap, I got out my phone and forgot to turn off the flash - from only about a foot away from her face. I was so worried it might have damaged her possibly sensitive eyes (great, I've had a baby for 2 minutes and I've already broken it). She eventually opened her eyes again, and so Merilee and I began to fall in love with her.

The burrito

The burrito lover

Shady glances for everyone!

Later that day I realized that I hadn't taken any pictures of Bruce to show Merilee, so I went back up to the NICU. I seemed to have missed my chance at good pictures, because now all hooked up he was a lot harder to see. Cordelia was feeding about every three hours. We'd try to have her nurse for 10 minutes, then supplement with bottle feeding. We tried using donor breast milk, but she was having difficulty keeping her blood sugar up, so we had to switch to formula which worked a lot better for that. Meanwhile Merilee was pumping after Cordelia would try to nurse. Any colostrum we got we sent up to Bruce, or when there was enough to share we'd split it with Cordelia. 

The nurses would change every twelve hours, and would stop by periodically to take vitals of mom and the baby and give Merilee pain medication. She did still get nauseous, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. During this time, we began to explore new depths of sleep deprivation. Between nurses coming and going, feedings and pumpings, eating for ourselves, etc. we hadn't really slept since before we went in for the NST on Tuesday.

On Friday, Merilee got to go upstairs to hold Bruce for the first time. I think it was either then or on Saturday after she had been feeding him that she was gone for a while and missed a dose of her pain meds, causing her to get a little overwhelmed. The nurse strongly suggested finally putting the do not disturb sign up on our door and taking a well-deserved nap while Cordelia spent some time in the nursery. We ended up going an extra hour without pumping in the process but the sleep benefit definitely out-weighted that.

Check out that blonde hair.

Cuddles with mom.

Sleepy baby. Bruce was tired too
I suppose.

I had tried to nap a little bit on the sofa-bed, but sharing Mer's hospital bed was much better for both of us. Waking up when you're so sleep-deprived is confusing and terrifying and painful. I had fallen asleep with a weird pressure on my leg so I woke up in the middle of a nap freaking out and so confused because my entire right leg was numb. Other times I woke up I just had a strange sense of urgent danger. I would try and count how many hours of sleep we had gotten since our NST and between that Tuesday and Saturday I think I counted hours slept to be around 10.

Eventually we got the hang of things: Cordelia was feeding really well, Merilee's milk supply was just starting to come in, and we had both been able to shower at least once. I left the hospital a couple times to run some errands, but otherwise we were both holed up in the hospital spending time with Cordelia and enjoying all the help from the nurses. We often felt terrible about having Bruce upstairs in the NICU by himself. Once Merilee was doing better, she started to go up more often. It was still sad to be separated from him, even though it was only one floor up and despite the fact that we already had our hands full with the one baby in our room.

You pick which meal you want to
be your "celebratory meal" where
you get something special. Mer
ordered the shrimp Alfredo and
I ordered the bacon wrapped steak.
They gave us both chocolate
cheesecake for dessert. The
hospital food was good in
general but this was
especially delicious.

Dreaming of milk

Squashed!

Then Friday afternoon, we were told that they were going to take Bruce to another hospital outside the county. Remember how this hospital (Sierra Vista) wasn't in-network? French was in-network, but they couldn't deliver twins, and their NICU wasn't yet licensed. The insurance company's solution was to take Bruce to Marian, which is about 45 minutes away. The workers at our hospital objected to the transfer, but were told that if he wasn't transferred by Monday that the insurance wouldn't cover any of his NICU stay at Sierra Vista.

Bruce at the night club

I called our insurance company but it was close to the end of the day and I couldn't make much progress before it was 5PM. We tried not to worry about it and prayed that Bruce could leave the NICU before he had to be transferred. We would be discharged on Monday and would rather take both of our babies home than be separated again. Being one floor below him was hard enough for us.

Saturday things were looking up when Bruce came off of his CPAP. I asked our friend Mario (who had also been our POC for our friends here in SLO) to come help me give Bruce a blessing that evening. That day and night, Bruce was feeding very well (his last requirement before being able to come home) so they took out his IV. Sometime Sunday, however, he was testing to be borderline jaundice, so he needed to go under the light. He started to not feed as well after that due to being so tired.





Monday we had some time before the crew from Marian came by around 3PM to pick Bruce up. I spent the morning on the phone with the medical group. Things are so ambiguous with insurance, and we'll never know how much Sierra Vista was actually fighting to keep Bruce there (they told us they were at least). Anyway, the bottom line was that we had the choice either to refuse the transfer (our parental right) and get sent the NICU bill, or accept the transfer and save the insurance company money while separating a four-day-old child from his mother.

Those that I talked with on the phone couldn't verbally tell me what to do, but when I explained everything to them I could tell that they thought that ours was a good case for an appeal or a grievance. I told them that a child that young shouldn't be separated from his mother without a medical reason. I explained that driving 45 minutes to deliver colostrum and breastfeed would likely mean choosing which child to be with and which to be separated from. Their mother was recovering from a C-section, so travel was difficult. I pointed out that we were rushed to this out-of-network hospital in an ambulance from an in-network hospital because the hospital contracted with the medical group wasn't equipped to treat my wife nor my children. We were suffering the consequences of that, and we shouldn't have to just because the medical group and the hospital couldn't settle their game of chicken so families don't have to be separated within days of a twin birth.

Anyways, it turns out that no one at the hospital had actually submitted an authorization for Bruce to be at the NICU. They always send out "reviews" which I guess are reports of what they're doing, and when the lead NICU doctor at Marian saw that Bruce was being treated here, he informed them that there was no way that our insurance would pay for it. So instead of submitting an authorization, it sounds like they tried to negotiate with this doctor. I don't think we'll ever know what was really going on.

Milk goatee

Falling asleep

Good job to Merilee for growing
two precious babies.

Since there was no authorization that had been denied, we couldn't file an appeal. The only way at that point to keep Bruce at the hospital 2 minutes from our house was to deny the transfer, get billed for his stay at the NICU, then file a grievance and be at the mercy of the insurance company who hadn't thus far given us a family-friendly vibe. When I ended the call with the grievance specialist, my plan was to go and have a talk with the case workers and NICU doctor who had more experience with this kind of stuff and might provide some insight.

My plans were thwarted, however, when I arrived at the NICU. Merilee had already been there to nurse Bruce. While I was downstairs trying to find a solution to keep him with us, there was a different NICU doctor upstairs telling Merilee that she should sign the consent to have Bruce transferred to avoid getting the NICU bill. It's so great that she and the nurses were able to corner Merilee and tell her what to do without me there. So awesome!

Then when I arrived, I attempted to share what I had learned from being on the phone for hours between Friday and that morning. I couldn't get two words out without the doctor stopping me to say "but NICU bills are expensive," "but it's not worth the stress," "yeah but you don't want to do that because _____," or some other discouraging statement. You doctors do amazing things to care for people but holy crap you suck at listening sometimes. I know on one hand that a lot of people (myself included) are not as smart as you are, but that doesn't mean that we aren't equipped to make our own decisions about what's right for us. If I ask you a question about something, please answer it honestly and don't use it as an opportunity to steer me in the direction you want. Whether it's the decision to have a C-section or battle insurance companies, we should have felt like it was our choice, not yours.

Feeding him at Marian that night

We got to keep this blanket

Anyways, Merilee had signed the consent without me realizing it, and it was done. In all honesty, as non-ideal for us (and wrong of the insurance company/hospitals) as it was to send him to Marian, everything worked out in the end. However, what the transfer crew said when they got there really, as Merilee puts it, steamed my bacon. Several hours later, after we had some time back in our room packing and preparing to be discharged, we came back up to talk with the nurse and doctor from the Marian NICU. In making conversation they said a few things that perhaps they should have censored.


The first was the nurse who said that she wasn't even scheduled for that day. She got a call and ignored it since it was her day off. But they then sent her a text so she decided to come in to work. I didn't tell her what I wanted to say which was that she should stay home next time. These people were caring for my son, however, and it wasn't their fault. The next thing was the doctor saying that their NICU was full to the brim. In fact, they didn't have room for him in their regular NICU area, but that he'd be put in a side room called "The Isolation Room." Really, your NICU is full? How many babies are you guys taking away from their mothers? I'm glad I didn't think of that question at the time.

We said goodbye to Bruce and headed back down and tried not to cry too much about the whole situation. I finished packing the car, we had our last visitor who talked with us about mediCal or something like that, and we had our last meal (the food was pretty good actually). We said goodbye to the nurses and put Cordelia in her car seat. We almost couldn't take her home though. Cordelia the day before had had her car seat test (they just monitor them while they hang out in the car seat for a couple hours) and passed. However, since we were only going home with one baby instead of two, I didn't bother reinstalling the car seat that Cordelia had used for the test. The one that was still buckled in had a slightly looser loosest setting on the straps and it was big for her. So, I had to unpack a few things, switch the car seats, and we were on our way.

I called Jenny during the 2 minute car ride. Our friends had picked her up from the airport and dropped her off at our house and I think she was recording when we came home or something. We got settled in, went out to buy some formula for that night, and Merilee probably pumped. Then, we were off to Marian to see Bruce. Marian is a very nice looking hospital. In fact I'd probably never choose to go there out of fear of it being too expensive - that's how nice it looks.

May I introduce you to my brest
friend.

So much milk to drink and not
enough energy.

 We found Bruce in his little isolation room and got to feed him. He was doing the same thing he was doing at Sierra Vista, or really what could have been done in a nursery - getting the jaundice light between feedings. Between his jaundice supposedly being borderline, and the fact that we are perfectly capable of feeding him, it was only a little bit ridiculous that he was transferred there. I've heard that NICUs typically keep babies longer than they really need to just to make sure they stay out after they leave. Oh and get this - the nurse even asked us why he was transferred there when the care he was receiving is available at French (to which we did respond, "good question!"). A hospital 7 minutes from our house would be much preferable to a hospital 45 minutes from our house.

On the way home it was difficult to stay awake. I remember Merilee trying to talk to me and rub my shoulders but I could still feel my eyelids dropping. I think I was even singing something while my eyes were shutting. I swore if Bruce and Cordelia became orphaned because we had to commute to that stupid hospital after so much sleep deprivation that I'd somehow make those responsible pay. At least hopefully it'd be all over the news and they'd feel terrible about it. Luckily though, none of that happened.

Dual-wielding babies

First picture of all four of us I think 

Getting to sleep in our own bed was really nice. The next day (Tuesday) we did a field trip. We called to see when a good feeding time for Bruce was and headed over around then. With only one car seat in the car, Jenny was able to fit next to Cordelia in her car seat. It was a bit soon to take Cordelia on a trip, but at least I felt like it was important to have the four of us together (plus that way, Jenny could meet Bruce too!). In the Sierra Vista NICU, Cordelia couldn't go upstairs to see Bruce since she was admitted and had to stay in Mother Baby, so this was the first time that they'd be together since sharing Merilee's womb.

It was either that day or the night previous that one of the NICU doctors explained to us about the "Milk Fairy." Basically, once this mythical creature comes, the baby will start feeding better and can then go home. I think the engineer in me likes the pre-programming analogy better but alright. Bruce was feeding better but of course they still couldn't tell us when he'd be coming home. On our way back we picked up some pizzas thanks to T-mobile Tuesdays.

One baby

Two babies

The next morning, Merilee got a call from the NICU saying that Bruce would be discharged that day. We were thrilled. We left Cordelia and Jenny at home this time and took Bruce's car seat in for his test while we watched a terrifying infant CPR video and went through other parts of the discharge process. We were so excited to bring him home finally (I say finally knowing that it actually wasn't that long).

There are several people that I'd like to thank for all the help and love that they've shown us during this incredible time of need:

• My sister Jenny and her family. Jenny came out for the first two weeks after preparing her own household in advance so they'd survive her absence. She cooked amazing meals, helped around the house and with the babes. She also posted a million pictures of the kiddos on Facebook for our friends to marvel at.
• Our points of contact for our family and for our local friends. It was/still is really hard sometimes to keep everyone updated on what's going on. Things as you can imagine have been turned upside down. Having fewer people be our voices has helped a lot.
• Thanks to those who have signed up to come and help Merilee while I am gone for 7 weeks on my internship. You and your families are making sacrifices so Mer can have the support she needs while I'm away. So, thanks!
• Our support base has been incredibly strong due to our friends from church. We've received so much help (mainly in the form of laundry and meals) that has made life a lot less hectic since the babies arrived.
• Medical professionals
• We were blessed to be patients of a caring team of doctors and nurses at Dr. Steinleitner's office here in SLO. It was thanks to their help that we were able to get pregnant after almost giving up our dream of becoming parents. I think I can speak for Merilee when I say that I don’t think we’ve ever had a doctor’s office care so much for their patients.
• Since arriving at the hospital, Merilee and the twins received excellent care from doctors and nurses at Sierra Vista. During our brief stint there, I was amazed at the work that they do each and every day. The nurses work 12 hour shifts helping first time parents figure out what the heck they are doing. The NICU nurses help early and otherwise sick babies grow and to be able to go home with their families. 
• I'd like to thank our employers who have supported us either through helping us keep our benefits, allowing me to have a shortened internship, or just ordering flowers or cookies to our house.
• All our friends who enjoy adoring our little ones when they appear on Facebook. One of Merilee's fears in life was having ugly babies, so it's good that everyone else thinks they're beautiful too.
• All of our friends and family who have supported us during our struggles both with IVF and with pregnancy (and now - with parenthood). Thank you!

I hope I didn't forget anyone, and I hope that we never forget this incredible experience. There are a lot of memories we have yet to make, but a new chapter in life started when we introduced these two into the world. It's been a very special time and we feel more blessed (and tired) than we have before.

Prisoners of Love

Hey Guys! - Quick update

Some people happened to text/call last night when stuff was going down. I don't want to take up too much time talking to people or texting since my focus is on helping Merilee. Honestly I feel really useless but she does need reminders to slow down her breathing every now and then.

Yesterday (July 4th) we had an NST (non-stress test where they just monitor fetal heart rates and contractions) at noon. She started contracting a lot pretty soon after she got hooked up to the monitors. There are two hospitals in town. French is covered by our insurance, Sierra Vista is out of network. We do NSTs at French but are delivering at Sierra Vista since it's the one equipped to handle twin deliveries.

After the contractions wouldn't stop, Mer got an ambulance ride to Sierra Vista. We arrived with nothing prepared. After a few hours of settling in, going through contractions, and talking with the doctor I ran some errands including getting some food from a friend's BBQ that we missed (we got to Sierra Vista around 6:30 PM and the doctor didn't arrive until around 10 PM and we still hadn't eaten since lunch). 

Mer got some IV stuff to calm the contractions, a steroid booster for little lungs, and other miscellaneous labs. The contractions weren't calming down that much so now she's only getting IV fluids. 

We spent the night here. Mer was progressing a little yesterday, but isn't going into full on labor so we might go home tomorrow if she's still pregnant. It's nice that the babies get to cook a little longer, but it's kind of crummy that she gets to feel every contraction until then. She's doing really well though and the babies on the monitors are doing great (or "looking beautiful" as the nurses are saying).

Today for lunch they're bringing me sweet and sour pork and strawberry shortcake.

Strawberry Pancakes

"You must tell me all about yourself, in every detail, but oh, so slowly, 
so very slowly, so that it takes a very, very long time."
- Sir Percy Blakeney, Baronet 

Friends and Family,

Yep, that's right - Bacon wrapped fried jalapeno poppers

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I think I started this post before Christmas but ran out of time. Then the winter quarter started up and I haven't had much time for anything since.




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You hopefully already know that Merilee and I are expecting twins in July. It's been amusing how some people reacted when we told them. I've gotten a few "... congratulations?" Usually those are people who don't know me so well. We would also get a lot of "oh I think I kind of knew"s even when people were so surprised when we spilled the beans.
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Thanksgiving was a lot of fun. We had Friendsgiving with a couple different families. After a big lunch with the Mays, we went over to the school next door and played kickball. The group featured a wide range of ability, but full stomachs became the great equalizer and it was a pretty close and entertaining match. I don't know how we were able to eat more that day, but we then went over to our friends' the Clifts' place for dinner and Mario Kart.

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We found out about the pregnancy the week of Thanksgiving. A week or so later, an ultrasound revealed the twins. While we were over the moon excited about it, we kept it pretty much to ourselves for a while. The infertility clinic told us after we graduated at eight weeks (a week or so before Christmas) that we could make our news public, but we still held it in. This was partly because we think that seven months advance notice is a bit ridiculous, but also because Merilee wanted to prove her family wrong and show that she could keep a secret. #Merilies

6 Weeks

12 Weeks

18 Weeks

24 Weeks

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maaa

For Christmas, we were able to have Mer's brother Christian and sister Bonnie over to visit. We had fun playing cards, going to the movies, staying home and watching movies, checking out the architectural graveyard, and mostly just staying inside. We also had fun doing Morse code. The Clifts adopted us once again for Christmas and took us out kayaking to the Avila lighthouse the next day.








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So how's pregnancy? At first, it was pretty amusing. Pretty soon, however, it started to get harder. It's been exhausting, nauseating, and uncomfortable. It's been hard on Merilee too.

At first, she was eating like a horse, except she'd also get really aggressive during feeds (I almost lost a hand). If I dismissed the early warning signs of her hunger attacks or turned my back for two minutes, I'd find her hunched down on the ground ready to give up. All she needed was a good sandwich and she was fine. 

"You sleep so angelically when you're pregnant"

As things have progressed, she's had a lot of heartburn (did you know that pregnant women can only have 6 tums a day?). The critters also seem to lodge themselves in uncomfortable places and swim around as much as they like, causing Merilee some trouble. The kicks have been awesome for me to feel, though. The hardest part for me is finding things for Merilee to eat. I could eat the same thing every day if it was easy to make, tasted good, and was "healthy." With Merilee though, it's been more like:

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Soon after the winter quarter started, we got a lot of rain and our property had some water damage. The railroad next to our complex had a drain that clogged and was causing water to back up and cascade down through the apartments behind us and into our property. Long-story-short we had some tenants leave and it's just been a lot more work for me than it usually is trying to fill it.

The river Merilee had to ford to get to her car

What it usually looks like (notice there's not a river)

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A week or two before Christmas, Mer started throwing up two to four times a day and was a zombie for a while whenever she came home from work. I'm talking about "7:30PM bedtime" zombie. While Christian and Bonnie were visiting we managed to conceal our secret by claiming it was just the drugs she was on. Until around 10 weeks (that's when the placenta takes over hormone production), she was still taking estrogen and progesterone. Bonnie was blessed with the opportunity to witness an intramuscular injection in preparation for becoming a nurse

A needle was Several needles were here

She fell asleep with a sandwich resting on her chest. The flash from the camera woke her up and she's smirking because she loves avocados and English muffins.

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Since then, things have been pretty stressful between my two jobs and school. Senior design is picking up and we're at the stage where everyone is putting in a lot of hours and a lot is expected from each team member. Argggh, it's so frustrating that it's only a 3 unit class.

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So we eventually did tell people (around 13 weeks I think). Family first, of course. We broke the news over gchat to Mer's family. They were all impressed with how long she had been able to keep the secret. We would have waited longer, except a few people were starting to get suspicious and we figured we should tell family before we were found out. It's hard to conceal a pregnancy when you're so sick.

The next week, we were visiting my brother's family for my nephew's baptism. It was a prime opportunity to tell my side of the family since we could catch all but two in person. I didn't want to steal the kid's thunder on his special day, though. So, I pulled him aside to tell him the news first. I also told him that since it was his special day, he could decide when to break the news to everyone else. We were pretty impressed when he decided to wait until we were all gathered in a big group for dinner to announce it. Seeing everyone's faces as he told them was pretty fun.

Our nephew takes great photos

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Right now I'm just trying to get all the turnovers taken care of for next year. I have 3 more to go, then hopefully this apartment managing job can go back to its previous pace. Then I can focus more on feeding Merilee and on school.

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As I write this, Merilee is now heading into her last week of her second trimester. Though it hasn't been without its own challenges, it has been a lot nicer than the first. She started getting even sicker when she began taking pre-natals around 13 weeks, but we finally got her on some anti-nausea meds and she's done a lot better. She only needs to be careful brushing her teeth and she's good. Both her and the babies are looking healthy so far and we are so grateful.

In case you haven't noticed by now, I can't help but snap a picture when Mer passes out. I guess she's sleeping for three (four if you count the sleep that I'm not getting). She looks so peaceful.

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What else is new? Well, I'm now riding a bike to school and work. The PT Cruiser is almost out of commission and I need the exercise anyways (thanks Kim!). Also, I'll be leaving towards the end of July for an internship. It's a really great opportunity (or else I wouldn't be leaving my wife and two newborns) and should only be gone 7 weeks.

Mid-Sneeze

Her Sneeze turned off the microwave

Easter Sunday

April Fool's Prank

April Fool's Truth

Today

Making Things Grow

Hey guys. I guess I haven't blogged all summer. A lot's happened since we last talked. I even had a birthday. Don't worry if you didn't get me anything. It's never too late.

I got out of school OK. Merilee was telling everyone I finished with a 4.0. It's true, but it's almost as embarrassing as your mom bragging about you getting on the honor roll in middle school. I guess I'm getting that now since I failed 8th grade the first time.

A paperweight for Boeing's 100th birthday.
There's a bunch of these on Ebay now.

I've started two new jobs since we last talked. I'm working as a software tester for a company here in town. I'll be carrying the job into the school year. Extra money will be nice, and for many reasons it's just an amazing job to have as a student. I also pretty much had to commit to working this school year for them to consider hiring me. I could seriously burn some bridges if I put in my two weeks before next summer. Training took over a month and I'm still getting the hang of things, but I really enjoy it most of the time.

My second job is as an apartment manager for a small complex close to campus. We get a discount on rent in addition to earning a little each month. The result is that our cost of living is significantly lower and we're looking forward to saving lots of money in the next 2+ years. Being the manager for the 15 units really isn't that big of a deal, but it does get hectic at times. Right now it's annoying because people (probably not even from our complex) are dumping couches by our dumpster. It doesn't affect my paycheck, but I still hate that it's costing my company $50-$100 every time they do it. 

As an on-site manager, I have to live on-site. So we moved. We'll miss our old apartment complex which featured coin laundry and two pools and a hot tub we never used. We also changed wards. It's nice meeting new people and not having 4 callings.

My wife is so cute.

Speaking of callings - Merilee and I were invited to speak with a member of the bishopric 15 minutes before sacrament meeting on our second Sunday there. Since our records had been requested the previous week, we were extended the calling to serve as primary workers. We were sustained 30 minutes later, then our records were read in so we could be welcomed into the ward. I felt the order of things was appropriate given the state of things. I guess willing volunteers are scarce here as well. The ward does seem to be a bit bigger than our last one though.

It's hard to see, but basically there were a lot of eggs in our compost.

Unfortunately our apartment isn't any bigger. Somehow I feel like we're able to utilize the space a bit better though. We have less space yet everything seems to have a place. There's a community garden in our complex that no one uses. We had the worst time trying to garden in the back patio of our previous apartment. It would have been nice to cultivate our own little vegetable patch but the sun just didn't shine enough on it. This community garden gets plenty of sun, but I don't think I like sharing dirt with other people. There are some weird people out there, you know?

At the moment we're hosting some friends who are in limbo with their house being worked on. They had to sell their home when they bought a fixer-upper and it's taking some time to get it habitable. I've been helping them with some demo and other miscellaneous work. It's nice learning a little bit about the renovation process, and they've been paying me, so it's nice.

Sewing machine, 3D printer, computers, electronics,
Rubik's cube. Yay for being kind of a nerd. Mer sews not me.

I've been saving my dollars with the idea of buying a 3D printer. My friend Sam took his with him to his internship. I don't blame him, but at the same time it's hurt my progress on our project. Rapid prototyping is really hard without a quick and easy manufacturing method. The plan changed when I realized that our new apartment gets a lot hotter than our last, especially with the gas oven pumping out bread and pies and cakes and cookies. I invested in a portable AC unit instead. It's pretty cool.

That didn't stop me from getting a 3D printer though. Peterson in-laws are awesome. It turned out that Randy had built one at a workshop and brought it to us from Missouri when they visited us. I thought he just brought it so we could play around and nerd out with it, but he gave it to me as part of my birthday ensemble. It was awesome having them over to visit, and my workshop has been upgraded significantly with their contributions. So I'm giving a shout out to Randy and Sheralyn for making Christmas come early this year. By the way, you too could earn a shout out on my blog. Find out how. #Shameless

I was trying to take a picture of a rocket part. I got some sweetness instead.

We might be re-locating the workshop, however. Though our apartment is full of stuff, we have yet to fill it with another person. Just as meeting with the fertility specialist this time last year had somewhat calmed our anxiety about the uncharted realm of IVF, we thought this year it would be beneficial for us to take the foster care classes the county has. We would likely be going in that direction eventually, even if IVF worked the 3rd or 4th time.

Egg Harvest #1

I don't think foster care will be how we start our family for a few years. It became pretty apparent to me early on, but I was waiting until the last class before totally ruling it out. I just couldn't see a possible way for it to work between work schedules and school. I was also going through a rough patch, rougher than I am now at least.

I don't think I've taken offense too many times for things that have happened to me in life, but after our last failed attempt it just started to feel personal. I really don't think I knew what it was to be infertile until I had to tell Merilee the results of her last (as in final) pregnancy test. I thought I was really fortunate (and I was) to know, even before dating Merilee, that I would need to do IVF to have children. I was fortunate because I, unlike so many couples, could go straight to the fertility specialist. I wouldn't have to try for months or years to get pregnant naturally before I could get a referral. I wouldn't wonder what was wrong. However, now I really have no idea why IVF didn't work. On paper, Merilee and I look like ideal candidates for in vitro.

Our first embryos.

That's one reason why it feels personal.

It feels personal because Merilee can't have so much as a caffeinated Dr. Pepper while undergoing treatment and gets injected with expensive drugs that are supposed to help her get pregnant. All the while, meth addicts and abusers of all other kinds of drugs can't help getting pregnant and continue to use during their pregnancies. Maybe our doctor should have prescribed Merilee meth instead of fertility drugs?

The two which were thawed for our frozen cycle.

It feels personal because, though Merilee has served exclusively in primary callings since we were married and has helped so many of other people's children, she will never have one of her own.

It feels personal as couples who have been married much less time than we have are starting their families.

It feels personal when there are people who think that they have too many kids or say things like "if it's a girl this time OK, but if not..." We will never know their struggle.

It feels personal when a cycle ends and all the other women in the doctor's office got pregnant but your wife.

It feels personal because facebook is full of children and "hey we're having a baby in 6 months" announcements (please don't take offense, your babies are cute and you have every reason to share pictures of them. The chances are that if you're reading this, we want to see more pictures of your babies).

It feels personal when I remember our first visit with the doctor who told us that we were going to "make [him] look good."

Egg Harvest #2

I've felt so angry with Him (at God, not our doctor). It's an anger I haven't felt since I lived at home with my parents. Do you remember when you wanted something so bad, but your parents wouldn't let you have it? It doesn't matter how unimportant it seems now, but then, you had an insatiable desire for whatever that thing was. Those fools, they just wouldn't listen. They would not budge no matter how much you begged or were willing to sacrifice. The answer was always no (unless you were one of those spoiled ones?).

That's a lot how this feels. He's said no. He's been showing us this past year, in no subtle terms, that we will not have our own child, and that is what makes me angry at Him. Then a lot of the time I also feel guilty. I stopped feeling guilty for being the reason why we can't have children when I considered that if the situation was switched (ie if Merilee was infertile), I would know she was not responsible. I would never want her harboring guilt over something so beyond her control.


What I do feel guilty about is feeling like God is picking on me when there are people who have real problems. I'm not fighting for my life, neither is my spouse nor are my siblings. I have plenty of work and so does my spouse. We are able to live comfortably and watch movies and eat cookies every day. My spouse is a constant source of comfort, joy, love, affection, excitement, and laughter. I'm progressing towards an exciting career, excelling in school and gaining valuable work experience.

Egg Harvest #3

The list goes on to prove my point that I don't deserve to be pitied. Yet at the same time, I do feel a huge loss. A loss of a family I'll never have. A loss of being able to see my wife bear and nurture our children. A loss of seeing resemblances in my children of their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It's knowing that our children will have other parents. It's accepting that our family can only grow by the dismantling of others. It's expectations since childhood that will never happen. It's many things that I feel guilty for wanting so earnestly.

I knew that it was wrong to be angry with God, just like I was probably a brat to my parents. I'm trying to repent and get rid of the guilt. Already I'm seeing some results. Since I started making a more conscious effort to see things His way and really be open to whatever His plan is (even though it would certainly not have been my first choice), I've noticed a few things. Over the last few days we've randomly met friends of friends who have done foster care in the past, we've discovered that acquaintances from work and church also have done foster care, and particularly for me I've had some specific words spoken over the pulpit pointing me in the right direction. Thanks Bishop Canaan (he didn't buy anything but gets a shout out anyways).

Third fresh cycle embryos from my sperm.

I've started to believe that He (again - God, not Bishop Canaan) needs us to care for someone. I think that He's been preparing someone for us, and us for him/her. It must have needed to be now. Perhaps he didn't bless us with successful IVF because he knew we'd delay foster care until I was out of school if we had a baby. I could be wrong, but I don't feel like this is the time that we'll start our family. I think we're more likely to be a temporary support for the a child in the age group we can manage (which is right now probably between 5-10 yrs old).

Third fresh cycle embryos from donor sperm.
We had high hopes for the big one.

The system favors reunification because studies have shown that biological parents that provide the bare minimum for their children are still better than perfect strangers. Even if we were perfect foster parents, I don't think I could go into the arrangement with the idea to take away someone else's child anyways. We're not against adoption or another type of permanency, but I like the idea of helping a young person during an extremely difficult time before they are reunited with their parents more than being plan B.

So anyways, that's why we might be moving the workshop into the bedroom. We're thinking if we can curtain off the den, it might pass as a bedroom for one or two kids. We don't have our license yet but will probably start parenting before the end of the year. It's kind of scary but at the same time I feel assured that this is what God wants us to do right now.

Merilee's dad said that we would need a miracle to have a baby, and we do believe in miracles. It's true that He could bless us with that tremendous gift. Right now however, we're focusing on what He wants us to do instead of what we've been trying to get Him to do for us. Maybe we'll plant something in the community garden too.

Hugs and bubbles.

Super Smash Bro's

On Tuesday we had our pack's Pinewood Derby. It was pretty cool despite having to put it on ourselves. Last year was epic because we had a man from out of town come and do it for us. He had a light show, music, and games with the audience between heats. He came equipped with helpers, a jig for qualifying cars, and much much more. Most importantly, I didn't have to do anything. 

I was an idiot and didn't get in contact with him until about 6 weeks ago about doing it again only to learn that he wouldn't be available. It turns out we were the last derby he had hosted and he had to focus on his "family" or something. Whatever. Anyways we made it work and the kids had fun even though there was no rock concert this time. I'm just grateful for all the help I got from the other den leaders.

We have some new leaders that were called to help out since our Webelos leader graduated from Cal Poly and moved away. Hashtag lifegoals... About graduating I mean, not about moving away and being released from scouts. Have you seen my list of callings? Most people have one or two lines, I have a paragraph.

Note: I'm a substitute seminary teacher. (in case you thought
I was that righteous)

Worse than bragging, I'm complaining. I've decided that I can consider saying no to callings in the future. That way I can feel unworthy for not doing enough rather than be unworthy for resenting having so much responsibility.

There's a fine line between doing too much and thinking you do more than you do. And how can I complain about so many people in our ward not accepting callings when I complain about my own? The Savior gave His life for us, and we should strive to follow His example of selflessness. However, I think He also understands sometimes. People are usually given a break from callings for special circumstances, and it's not because they're selfish or because they lack the faith to receive the divine help they need.

Anyways, I should stop complaining. Merilee and I are the same in that we complain. I complain about being too busy and not having time to work out and she complains about 22 gauge needles going into her lower back and anything that has to do with being a woman.

300 IU of FSH analogs +Lupron
and Omnitrope

If you've played this game, you're hearing him say it.

Hopefully you saw our update on our fundraiser page. Some people having offered to fast for our cause. If you didn't know, that's fine. We appreciate your prayers. Of course whenever we post updates about our infertility there's always the adoption brigade that comes out to tell us how blessed we could be if we adopted. There's also people that just seem to know what we need to do (like go to Nebraska). They are sincere and kind and want only the best for us. However, I'm more than kind of sincere when I say that I want to falcon-punch some of those people in the throat.

Seriously though, I understand that adoption is very important, and indeed it blesses lives. Yet I really can't believe that it is the same thing as having your own child. And I mean that without trying to imply that one is superior to the other in any way or that an adopted child is not a real child. 

Birthing and adopting are, however, different in the way that children become sons or daughters and adults become parents. I could go on and explore my feelings about adoption, but my point is that it's not the grassy meadow of contentment that everyone tells you that you should be grazing in instead of doing IVF. Both are hard, and at this point in our marriage, adoption/foster care is even less of a fit for us than shooting Merilee up every morning. So when you tell me how great adoption is as I am about $30,000 into IVF, consider the following:

Made this meme all by myself.

Surviving the Harsh Environment of Space

A few lies:

1. Removing the battery from your cell phone makes it charge faster.
2. It will be bronze in the morning.
3. The cake.

This last week was possibly one of the heaviest work-wise that I've had in a while. It couldn't actually have been that bad since I only remember getting less than 7 hours of sleep once. School has been pretty easy this quarter so far actually. Perhaps I'm just slacking.

I had a lab report due Tuesday, Structures and Spacecraft Environments homework due Wednesday and a Structures midterm Wednesday. I also had an Aerothermodynamics III quiz and a Spacecraft Environments Midterm today (Thursday). 

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Courtesy: nasa.gov

Interesting...

Spacecraft Environments is a pretty interesting class not simply because of the material covered, but because it, along with the associated lab next quarter, is possibly not found in any other undergraduate program in the country. The courses were developed in reaction to industry feedback. Graduates performed well in many ways, yet many lacked the knowledge of why spacecraft look the way they do and why they need certain components, etc. It makes sense that knowledge of the environmental effects on spacecraft would be essential in design and execution of missions in space.

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This weekend was supposed to be packed as we prepared for our first launch attempt this coming Monday. Our oxidizer isn't arriving until Monday, and we won't be able to get the powder we need for the ejection charge until next week. Oh well.

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"Not-know-it-alls"

This is space. It does not cooperate.
Courtesy: The Martian

After so many trips up there, humans have learned a lot about space. We've also done a great job at making it more dangerous. However, despite our advances and engineering feats, there are still mysteries, surprises, and failures that serve as reminders that we don't know everything. Some of the equations we use for calculating orbital debris flux or solar intensity are stuffed full of random-looking coefficients that scientists made up, based on data collected. We're just trying to make it fit the model. We don't necessarily have a grasp on what's going on.

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You'd be surprised how hard it is to find black powder where we live. Well, you actually might not. What we need can be ordered, but the hazmat fee is almost $30 which more than doubles the cost. A local store here carries it, but only orders it for the hunting season which I guess is around October? Good to know.

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Trying to get it right

Spacecraft glow on shuttle.
Courtesy: NASA

I think that it's obvious for many people why it's important to do all you can to make sure something will work before sending millions of dollars into space on top of a controlled explosion. A major obstacle is that the space environment is very difficult to recreate on Earth's surface. Vacuum chambers, rail-guns, and other devices help, but not many can be used in conjunction for synergistic effects. Plus, you know what they say.  Failing to plan for any aspect of the space environment can easily result in complete failure of the mission. So many things can go wrong even when you're aware and plan for them.

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Despite having only rockets and lines of code in my brain, I was able to give a talk last month and I don't think I used any aerospace analogies this time. We also had Christmas. I guess a lot has happened since my last post.

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LDEF - The Real Thing

Stands for: Long Duration Exposure Facility

With the space shuttle, prolonged in-space experiments became possible. In class we learned about the LDEF, which carried panels with different materials all over the outside of a cylinder shape. Besides being able to view the effects on many different coatings and materials, LDEF also made possible the observation of the effects on different surfaces based on their orientation. This included the forward direction versus the sides and back of the space craft. Some coatings changed color while others eroded and some held intact. The experiment was so valuable for its ability to directly measure the effects of the space environment, that similar experiments have also been done on the International Space Station (ISS). 

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In my talk I was strangely given the choice of what I wanted to speak on, which was frightening as I usually get lost in my own thoughts when that happens. Luckily I was given an alternative topic which I blended with things that I had been thinking about lately.

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Our LDEF

This experiment reminded me of a YSA fireside I went to in Oakland after I got home from my mission. The speaker talked about how collision survival rates in cars rose after safety advancements were made thanks to the implementation of crash test dummies. Like the LDEF, a dummy is put right where the action is. The idea is that the dummy undergoes the same exact experience a human would, leaving estimations from complex models and equations behind and going for real, accurate data. The speaker's point was that our crash test dummy for life, of course, is Jesus Christ.

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The truth is that I've felt an increase in compassion for those going through difficulties, whether I'm aware of them or not. This compassion is imperfect, but is becoming more consistent. I reflected on my parents' challenges in a way that I hadn't before. After then considering my own challenges, and extending that to those around me, I've come to the conclusion that compassion is a catalyst which allows humankind to grow together. Think about that the next time you want to flip off the driver next to you.

Unfortunately, we can only do so much for each other. Sometimes I feel like sympathy only goes so far. In a way I've felt like my trials were like personal spiritual experiences. I think that one reason why it's not always appropriate to share them is because they usually don't mean as much to other people. I may have an increased feeling of sympathy for my parents as I get older and relate to them more, but unless I went through what they did, that sympathy is all I can have for them.

I don't know what it's like to grow up in an abusive home. I wasn't a marine in Vietnam. I've never lost children to miscarriages, buried a child, or had a rebellious child leave the church. I've never been through a divorce. Though I've never been swimming in cash, I've also haven't faced long-term unemployment or lost my home to foreclosure.

Everyone gets their own unique set of circumstances in life, and we're often ignorant of each other's. Thankfully, we have a loving Heavenly Father and His Son.

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The Book of Mormon, Alma 7

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

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Christ's love was so great that just knowing about the human experience wasn't enough. He could have known everything through the Spirit, but decided to experience it himself. He preferred to be empathetic instead of merely sympathetic. Who better to judge us than Him?

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13 Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me.

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To all of you also trying to survive the harsh environment of mortality: know that the Savior knows precisely what is coming your way as well as what you are made of. More importantly, He's already been there and is ready to help with any situation. Mer and I have witnessed first hand that, though we have our challenges, we've also been blessed with prayers answered, the knowledge of the Gospel, and each other.

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"As we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ."

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